I mentioned in my previous post that I’ve been typing out some random thoughts from time to time (with the intention of posting them) on this big ass .txt file, full of rambles in paragraph form. Well, I have nothing to update about, so I’ll post something that I wrote a couple weeks back.
“These days, a lot of folks around me have gotten extremely angsty, leading them to say shit that ranges from stupid to downright disrespectful. I’m not one to take comments and jokes personally (because I can be just as vulgar and disrespectful), but this has been bugging me, seriously making me rethink on some of the people I choose to surround myself with. On some level, I can sympathize with the struggles you good folks have, but really? Things are THAT bad for you? Do you have to lean on your fucked up cynicism to make yourself feel better? Y’all need to cool down. We’re all going through shit and sorting out our lives on a daily basis. There’s always times when shit just flatlines. Drop that angsty role, and for once, try to be at peace with where you’re at and where you want to go.
Also, don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking directly to you, in whatever form of communication we’re using (ie: face to face, IM, phone). If I give you room and space to express your opinions in order for me to take it all in and respond, you should do the same and show me the same respect, especially when you’re the one that asks me questions. It’s a basic rule of good communication and proper etiquette. This has been happening to me nonstop lately, all across the board; in my business arrangements, in my social life, and my family life. I’m not speaking to you so that I can hear myself talk, so if you got some smart ass shit to say, save it for someone else.
However, even with all that up there, it won’t matter what I say, because apparently I’m not intimidating. Most of my close male friends have said this to me one time or another. They let me know time and time again that I’m not intimidating and they have nothing to worry about when it comes to me, aka, I’m harmless. For most of my ‘adult’ life, I’ve accepted this as a fact and never gave it a second thought, because it seemed 90% right. I’m neither cold nor inhospitable, and a significant part of my personality is rooted in self deprication (mostly jokingly; for example, Larry David’s character from ‘CYE’). Recently though, my lack of intimidation was brought up again, amongst one of my many late night eating extravaganzas (with John, Nima, and Yena), and it hit a chord with me. I didn’t show it, but the fact that this was brought up by John, during a conversation that I believe had nothing to do with intimidation, irked me. Every night since then, while I’m laid up in my bed with a pint of Johnnie and the Playstation on, I’ve been breaking apart and unfolding the characteristics of a intimidating person and what it means when these dudes, who I consider brothers, say shit along the lines of ‘You don’t intimidate me. What’s so intimidating about you?‘
That phrase, that sentence, that quote, is layered with their issues in regards to who I am and who I represent. They aren’t intimidated by me because I don’t show stereotypical hyper-masculine behaviours. They aren’t intimidated by me because I never gave them hassle about shit they’re dealing with they get enough of that from their parents. They aren’t intimidated by me because they believe I’ve done nothing worth respecting or admiring. The more I broke it down, the more it angered me. I’m the first to admit my faults, and the first to joke about them too. That doesn’t mean that I’m not full of pride and lacking definition as a man. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of pride and a lot of confidence in myself and the people in my life, even through all the periods of doubts. But the fact that these guys couldn’t fathom the idea of showing me some sort of respect fucked up my pride AND my confidence. It got to me hard. I thought to myself, ‘Even after all these years of friendship, how could I consider them anything but acquaintances if they really thought of me that way? What have they done with their lives that put them on a higher plane of admiration and respect? Fuck em then. I don’t need that shit.’
And I stand by that. I really don’t need that shit. I never asked for nor wanted shit like that to be said to me. That some shit my parent’s don’t even think about or say to me, and they’re the only ones that could get away with saying that. However, I forgot one to consider one thing; Nothing about them intimidates me either. Aside from all the other shit, these fools and I have been friends for a decade now. In that decade, we’ve all forged a hearty comfort zone around each other that’s impossible to find elsewhere. Really, there’s nothing like a group of friends that you see as brothers. I don’t know if they feel the same, but that’s how I genuinely feel. And if these guys think I’m not intimidating to them, then fuck it, I must not be intimidating to them. Why would I want to be intimidating to them anyway? What could have possibly compelled me to want or question that lack of intimidation? The whole point of friendship is to break down those types of barriers and have a chance to be yourself in this fucked up world. So, fuck intimidation. I’m only allowed to be intimidated by two folks; my parents.
Although I admit that we’ve never sat down and talked about things like this probably because we’re too immature and probably because no one wants to get drunk with me to talk about these things like middle aged Korean men do, I’m sure that time will come in a couple of years. After all, we’re still young. We’ve just started an important segment of our lives. Let’s save all that ‘We’re old now’ talk for when we’re 50 and plagued with heart disease and diabeetus.”
